I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
