he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
