It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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