God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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