Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
