I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
