he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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