I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
