i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My vagina is officially offended.
Randomize
