I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
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she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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