He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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