You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
