Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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