That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
