So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm passing your future prison.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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