I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
