I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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