We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
