I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
