I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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