the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
