I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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