We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
