2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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