Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
