So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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