He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
