So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
