If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
