If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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