Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
