Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
