Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
