At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
