Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
