I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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