mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
