I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
