don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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