I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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