Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I hope mine doesn't look like that
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
