k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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