she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He uses pillows to masturbate.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
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you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
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I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM