you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
