fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
