i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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