He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
