remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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