I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
