Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
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conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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