i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I'm passing your future prison.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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