i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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