i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
