And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
