he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
