im six kinds of drunk right now
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
