ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
