Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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