Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
