Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
