Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
