He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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